I'm Following the Lead of the Setting Sun

The last time I was able to go visit my home, St. Croix, USVI, was during the summer of 2014. It was right after my freshman year and I decided to go home to take psychology at our university there since it was inexpensive and I wanted to get it out of the way. Since then, I haven’t returned.

I had never felt the need to go back home. So long as I could speak to my family on the phone, I was fine. That feeling has changed, though. Somewhat. Since graduating, I've lost some of the stability I had while in school. I also am trying to figure out what the hell I plan on doing with my life. Grounding is what I need. A reminder of why I’m going where I’m going, wherever that is. I need to go home.

Aron Wright’s song “Home” made it into my “BIG CHUNE” playlist on Spotify (y’all really should follow that playlist...it’s hella diverse and the music is hella good) because of its scarily relatable lyrics.

“I need the calm, forgiving peace that only comes from my family.”

I spent the past four and a half years enduring the stress that comes with college and more. Wondering what I was doing, where I was going and who I was. And as I’m finding out the answers to those questions, I see the need for the type of calmness that only your family can give to you. The peace that can only come from being surronded by nothing but love.

“Like an old oak tree that no longer grows, as time went by, I got hollow.”

Through college, I adopted a mantra: discomfort breeds growth. Sustained discomfort can be toxic, though. I grew in a number of ways, I learned how to handle a huge variety of situations and of course, I learned a bunch of academic things that I probably won’t use very often (I’m glaring at you, physics). I grew without direction. I’ve, in some ways, forgotten why I do what I do (they ask me what I do and who  I do it fo..........). There is a certain hollowness to my ambition and only home can help fill that space. The second part of the verse says “If you don’t know when to stay, if you don’t when to go, you might be building your own gallows.” First of all, yikes @ gallows cuz #Black but also know when you got to go. So I’m going.

“Momma’s on the front porch, waving for me. My daddy’s got his hands fixing something. My brother says that he’s just glad to see my face. That’s why I’m going home.”

Ok umm wow ouch my heart? I can literally see all these things happening with my own family and so this part always gets to me. I haven’t been on island with my entire nuclear family in maybe 5 years. But this time, I will be. There’s a certain power that comes from that. I miss it. I need it.

“I’m following the lead of the setting sun. I’m going back, where I came from.”

I tekin my rass back to pah ah come from. My mom came to get me from college when I graduated and we drove from Texas to Maryland to stay with my great aunt. She finally told me that she going to go back home soon. She then jokingly—or so I thought—asked if I wanted to go with her. I laughed it off for all of five seconds, then I heard the song “Home” in my head and I told her that I did want to. We were both surprised. We were both excited. I’d been using the sun to count the days since I’d been back and I finally decided to follow it’s lead. I’m finally going back where I came from.

I don’t know what’s going to come of this. I won’t be home for very long. But whatever time I spend there, I know I’ll use it to process, reassess and reposition. I know I’ll use where I came from to help me remember (read: figure out) where I’m going. I’m going home.

It should also be noted that maybe 5 people in the world knew I was going home. My goal was to surprise my family members, and that I did. #HAGOTEEM

Also I wrote this while on the train from DC to Jacksonville and y’all just don’t take that trip lol.